Schumann's Cleveland Pages archives

This archive article is selected from The Cleveland Pages, the city's only weekly independent journal of politics and opinion on the Internet. Find out all about the Cleveland Pages here, or check out the current issue.

The Free Times, in an article no longer online, called Cleveland Pages "Spicily independent... in the best tradition of citizen-journalist."

The Cleveland Pages is a somewhat-weekly commentary on what's new and why it's all happening in Cleveland and Cuyahoga County. If what you read here is upsetting, you might prefer this simple-minded happy-talk instead.

Bookmark the Cleveland Pages at http://re.cleveland.oh.us. Bookmark this issue at http://re.cleveland.oh.us/archives/20010827.html.

A Cleveland Pages archive search will be available soon... Meanwhile, skip to the flat-file archive list! And read an overview of who's putting this thing out and what it's about.

All I Wanted (27 August 2001)

Doing a good solid

The officer sat me down at the interrogation table and said, "It's like Big Brother. They have a file on you now."

Now I'm in the jackpot. They're going to "jam me up" at the oh-two. I gotta reach out and get out from under by doing the right thing before I get tuned up and ratted out like a skel.

Too bad NYPD Blue is in reruns until fall. Anybody got Milch's phone number?

That "interrogation table" is out in the lobby of the Second District, and I'm sure they don't call it that. The officer, however, went on: "I don't like it, but you'll get a whole new file. Once I take this report they'll be keeping track of you."

I don't know, maybe that's a good thing, I replied. You know, like if I turn up dead somewhere they'll know who I am.

Name, including middle initial. Height and weight. Hair and eye color. Address. Social security number. (Social security number? My lawyer doesn't have that!)

All right, officer, but if you're taking mug shots I am out of here. He smiled a little bit. Maybe considered it.

All I wanted

All I wanted was to get rid of this ten-speed bike that showed up on my treelawn last night.

The original owner, that much I figured I owed. See, that person had bothered to engrave a social security number on the frame and handlebars, which is pretty much what they tell you to do at Crime Watch meetings to enhance your chances of recovering stolen property. If it's worth their trouble to mark, I suppose, I can meet 'em halfway by turning it in.

But this perp drill, I hadn't counted on that.

In fairness, I probably could have asked to be anonymous. In fairness, it wasn't an intimidating or off-putting situation. I didn't feel especially pressured. The "perp" thing is an exaggeration. It was over with in about five minutes, and it took that long only because my name is a little hard to spell out loud (too many letters that sound the same, try it) and the cop enjoyed my social security number (which stands out around here because it begins with a zero, because I was enrolled in Connecticut long ago).

Still, is it really necessary to get all the personal details on someone who's just returning a stolen bike? Do they need statistics on the average height and weight of property-returning citizens? You can drop off a baby with less documentation than that! Wouldn't it good enough to leave a name and phone number in case there are any questions later? Yeah, huh?

You have the right

It's a mild hassle to put the ten-speed into a minivan without scratching the upholstery too much. Drive to the District. Wait to see the cop who's "catching" that shift. And so on.

And it's Monday, but I don't punch a clock, so the forty minutes or so wasn't a huge deal. It might have been so for somebody else though.

But I have a file now. When I get pulled over for speeding on 490 they'll call in my registration and get: "RECOVERED STOLEN BIKE 8/26/01. WROTE IRRITATING WEB ARTICLE 8/27/01." I wonder how that will play out.

I wonder, though, whether I might have been better off just keeping the bike, fixing that back brake, and having a new ride of my own. For some obvious and a few not-so-obvious reasons, many people don't like having any recorded dealings with police, even when they're caught in a good deed. Especially people of color, or anyone who's had a serious problem with law enforcement.

Allow me to suggest a policy change: that the absolute minimum amount of personal information be gathered on good-deed-doers. It should be obvious that when someone volunteers to help, community relations should take precedence over intelligence-gathering.

And oh, if you're missing that ten-speed, reach out to the Second District.

We go way back

I'd prefer not to have to write so many critical or questioning stories about policies and procedures of the Cleveland police bureaucracy. I've posted this one and this one already. And don't forget my warm commemoration of the life of Sally Morillas, who somehow never got invited to an FOP potluck dinner.

But on the other hand there was the gushing praise for the patrolman and detective who diligently followed up on a home burglary that occurred slightly over a year ago. So it's not all bad, and sometimes it's pretty good. I'm still having good thoughts for all the stand-up guys and gals out on The Job.

Good cop stories

This isn't really a bad police story. It's more like a "dumb system" story. But next week (and there will be a next week!) I have a much better, happier, and more melodically pleasing cop story. Tune in next weekend. Really.

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